Why Roger Is Forbidden From Grocery Shopping
by Sargent Snarky
Summary: [written for Challenge 16] Roger finds something interesting at the grocery store and brings it home. Roger and Mark then have Sex On The Beach.


**Title**: Why Roger Is Forbidden From Grocery Shopping

**Rating**: PG-13 / T; You'll see why it isn't rated M when you read it – trust me on this.

**Genre**: Humor

**Summary**: written for Challenge 16 -- Roger finds something interesting at the grocery store and brings it home. Roger and Mark then have Sex On The Beach.

**Pairings**: Umm… Read for yourself.

**Disclaimer:** (Something I've been neglecting in recent oneshots – sorry!) I don't own Rent. I merely borrow… indefinitely.

**A/N**: The Challenge is thus: "Either Mark Cohen or Roger Davis has to be the central character, though. But pairings are your own choice. Basically, whatever pairing you choose has to have "sex"…without having actual sex."

-grins broadly- Yep. That's right. I (who loathes and despises most all MR slash) have written a one-shot in which Mark and Roger have Sex… On The Beach. –cackles madly-

These Challenges are my guilty pleasure, now. I'm having so much fun writing them! Anyway, I'll shut up, now, and let you read it, then.

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Story:

* * *

Mark was tired. Mark was very tired. Indeed, Mark was _so_ very tired that he agreed to let Roger (who felt like actually doing something nice for his friend) go out and buy food at the local grocery store, while the filmer took a nap on their surprisingly comfortable old couch. 

Roger tried to be quiet when he returned, tried not to awaken Mark, but the filmer was a very light sleeper, so the moment Roger opened the door, Mark was awake. And, when Roger reached the kitchen area with the bag and set it down on the metal table, Mark was sitting up and looking over.

"Hey, Rog," he called, yawning.

"'Lo," said Roger, grinning… and it was the particular grin that Mark knew signaled danger: somethin' bad might happen.

So, Mark froze, staring at Roger in worry. "Oh dear… what did you do, Roger?"

"Do? I haven't done _anything_, yet," said Roger, lifting his eyebrows. "Well… except for find the most amazing thing at the grocery today, that is."

Mark blinked. "And what is this amazing thing?" he asked, slowly standing up and walking over, though he made sure the width of the table stretched between them. Best to have some distance from the musician when Roger was in one of these moods. Never knew what sort of mischief he'd drag one into.

Roger's grin widened, if that were possible, and he reached into the paper bag. Then, with an air of drama and a flourish provided by his other hand, Roger withdrew a large bottle filled with a light brownish liquid and decorated with a bright yellow label.

"Sex On The Beach!" the musician proclaimed with pride at his discovery, pointing at the label as he did so; it proclaimed the brand in bright, large letters above a drawing of a beach with a beach chair and an umbrella on it.

Mark, meanwhile, blinked, lifting an eyebrow and delivering a tentative half smile. "… Uh… Roger?"

"Isn't it great! We totally need to try it tonight, see if it's better than Collins' Stoli," rambled the musician, clearly thrilled with the prospect of dinking.

"Roger?" Mark repeated.

"_What_, Mark?"

"Did you actually get milk and stuff while you were there?"

Roger rolled his eyes, giving Mark a look. "_Yes_, Mark. I'm not a complete idiot. But the normal groceries are not amazing like Sex On The Beach."

"…" Mark sighed. "Put the groceries away before you even think about cracking that open," he said after a few moments.

"So you'll have some Sex On The Beach with me?" said Roger.

"If I must. Now put the food away!" declared Mark, ignoring Roger's way of phrasing the question.

0 D 0 r 0 I 0 n 0 k 0 I 0 n 0 g 0 a 0 l 0 c 0 o 0 h 0 o 0 l 0 I 0 s 0 f 0 u 0 n 0

It wasn't terribly long before Collins dropped by to say hello, as he was wont at random times. He'd pinched a spare key to the apartment building from Benny, so he no longer had to yell up or call, asking Mark to fling the keys down to him. Which worked just fine for Mark.

Anyway, Collins slid open the door (it wasn't locked – it was never locked; what was there worth stealing, anyway?) and tromped in, shouting, "Good afternoon, bitches!"

Roger and Mark, chatting and sitting on the couch, passing the bottle back and forth, looked over to him and waved.

"Hey Collins," said Mark, a little dopily.

"'lo," said Roger, still grinning.

Collins paused, seeing that grin, and he lifted an eyebrow. "What did you do this time, Roger?" he asked.

Roger looked affronted. "Why does everyone always assume that I've done something bad? All I did was find a new and unusual thing at the grocery."

"Oh?" Collins didn't look like he quite believed it. "And what is that?"

"Sex On The Beach!" chorused Roger and Mark together – the filmer was obviously more at ease now that he'd had something to drink – as Roger held up the bottle.

Collins suddenly looked very interested. "Oh-ho? Sex On The Beach, eh? Sounds fun!"

0 D 0 r 0 I 0 n 0 k 0 I 0 n 0 g 0 a 0 l 0 c 0 o 0 h 0 o 0 l 0 I 0 s 0 f 0 u 0 n 0

Sometime later, when the bottle was entirely gone, Mimi entered. "Hey, guys!" she called in her bubbly voice.

"S'Mimi!" slurred Mark, who was only half awake, by now.

"Hey, Mimi," greeted Roger, waving from the chair upon which he was sprawled.

"Hello, Meems," said Collins, who was slouching in another chair, smiling vaguely.

The dancer stopped to look between the three of them, frowning a little. "Ok… What did you guys do while I was out?" she demanded, suspicious of… of… she didn't know what. There was just something about Roger's grin, the fact that Mark looked very drunk and Collins' calm, utter amusement that disturbed her. "Did you guys all smoke weed or something?"

Roger and Collins shook their heads; Mark said, "Nnhn."

"Ok… so what did you do?"

The three exchanged glances, then said, all of them grinning, "Have Sex On The Beach!"

* * *

END

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A/N: It's pretty stupid, I know. But it amused me greatly when I wrote it. 

And yes, Sex On The Beach is really a drink… Now, I don't know what all is in it, and I'm too lazy to research it, but I do remember seeing bottles of it in a grocery store, and, though my memory's a bit fuzzy, I _think_ I described it right. If I didn't, I do apologize!

But… ah well… But, hey! It WASN'T slash, and it wasn't meant to be. Ha. I feel tricksy, having Mark, Collins & Roger all of Sex (On The Beach) without it being slash. –giggles-

Please review even if you hated it!


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